Angels were made to follow.


Even after all that has happened, Castiel knows this, feels this, understands this visceral desire to cede all forms of choice and simply obey. Freedom is like drowning in a tidal wave – human lungs filling with water, the feeling of choking, the feeling of terror as you search desperately for the surface and the light amidst water and foam and sand and sound. Freedom is chaos, and complacency is clarity. Every angel is created with this knowledge.


It's no wonder, then, that he is often labeled a degenerate by his brethren. He dove into the waves, headfirst. He let himself sink under the waters, willingly. He fell in love with chaos.


He had to believe God created him this way for a reason.


"<i>You have heart, Castiel. You're not like the rest of them; you never have been, not really. Sometimes, you love too much, and Heaven loves too little,</i>" Anna had told him once in a brief interlude before Heaven reeducated her.


"<i>God commanded us to love all his creations</i>," Castiel had replied. He'd felt lost, unsure. It was a new feeling for him, then. He'd felt guilt, which was also new to him.


Guilt is necessary for the balance of the human ethical compass. Without guilt, there would be no blame, no accountability, no remorse. Without guilt, how could a human learn from their mistakes? There would be no urge to change their ways.


In theory, angels do not experience guilt, because they do not commit sin. Angels who commit sin are considered fallen, and thus aren't, in a sense, considered to be angels at all.


Castiel considered the other things that are incapable of guilt: trees, plants, most animals. These organisms simply exist – nothing about their being is right or wrong, it only is.


Having guilt is about having choice, and beings without sentience do not have choice.


Castiel was not like these beings, is not like them. He has sentience. He had been told, however, that he does not have the burden of choice. How did God create such beings as them, with sentience but no free will?


(<i>The answer is simple: he didn't.</i>)


He had to believe God created him this way for a reason.


<i>Forgive me, Father, for I seek not to be forgiven. <i>